Humpty Dumpty Had a Great Fall

This process of figuring out my beliefs has been a painful one (not that it's over yet).  I've been forced to look at the things I've always held dear in a completely different light.  For those of you who have never been through a "faith crisis" before, let me explain exactly what happens.  Let's pretend your faith is like Humpty Dumpty sitting happily on the wall.  Suddenly, for whatever reason, he takes a great fall.  Now he's on the ground in a zillion pieces, which is a problem, because Humpty Dumpty can't really be Humpty Dumpty if he's shattered into pieces.  So there are a few options. 1) You can ditch Humpty Dumpty entirely and try to forget he ever existed.  A lot of people do this and I can't say that I haven't considered it.  2)  You can take your favorite pieces of Humpty Dumpty to be reminded that you loved him and he did some good things on that wall.  Or 3) you can try to reassemble Humpty Dumpty.  Now, this one is hard because no matter what you do, you'll never have the undamaged version of Humpty Dumpty.  You'll never have him looking as pristine and flawless as he did before.  There will always be cracks and chips and maybe even a few pieces missing.  Not to mention that you might wonder from that point forward if putting Humpty Dumpty back together again was the best option.  You might not totally trust him up on that wall anymore.  After all, he toppled over once, he could do it again.

That's where I'm at.  Except that there are a lot of pieces of my Humpty Dumpty that are gone.  Vanished.  So not only will he always be damaged, he'll never be whole.  And the worst part is that the chastising has already begun.  I've already had people I love tell me that I shouldn't have been careless enough to let him fall of the wall in the first place.  That's right.  It's MY fault.  Never mind that Humpty Dumpty is round and off balance and fragile (as I suspect is the case for most people).  I'm not trying to deflect blame as much as I'm trying to get people to see that the church is a personal faith crisis waiting to happen.  The ebb and flow of "prophetic revelations, " can be extremely troubling for many members.  For instance, if God is leading this church, why do "revelations" seem to come at such politically convenient times.  Because I'm thinking that God wouldn't cave to government or political pressure.  Seriously, how on earth could God have thought it a wise decision to withhold the priesthood from black members for as long as He apparently did (actually it never should have happened in the first place).  The fact that the revelation came after such intense pressure from the government to conform should at least make you wonder.  I see the same thing happening with the gay marriage situation. At this point, the church should be paving the way for other Christian denominations to follow.  Because like it or not, gay marriage WILL and SHOULD be legalized.  It might take a few years, but there will no doubt be intense pressure to allow gay couples to be sealed in the temple as well.  My guess is that the church will dig in their heels until their tax-exempt status again becomes too compromised.  And then?  We will most likely be blessed with another revelation.  I don't know what will happen with the Ordain Women movement (which I fully support by the way), but I wouldn't be surprised if eventually they cave to that as well (and they should).

I'm not trying to be catty and disrespectful of the church or it's leaders.  Really, I know there is a LOT of good that comes from the church.  There might even be enough good for me to hang on to.  But I think there are some extremely questionable and troubling things as well.  Sometimes I feel like we've gotten SO far off the path of just following Christ's example (which is what I believe will matter most in the end) that we can't seem to remember why we're doing what we're doing.  Does it really matter what I wear or what I let my little girls wear?  Does it really matter how many earrings I have in my ears?  Is it possible that we've put so much pressure on boys to serve missions that they feel shunned if they don't?  Has the church unintentionally created a platform on which people stand and judge each other?  I don't think these things came from bad intentions.  But I do think they came from men and not God.  I get the argument that God is using imperfect men to run his church, and that sometimes the prophet speaks for God and sometimes he speaks as a man.  But do we do with that?  How do we know when he's speaking for God and when he's just giving us his opinion?  How do we know what is a "commandment" and what is just advice?  That's actually how this all started for me.  I had been trying so hard to follow everything we've been "commanded" to do and not do, and I hit a breaking point.  I couldn't do it all.  It was virtually impossible.  I started researching church history in an effort to find a little inspiration from our early leaders and that was it.  Humpty Dumpty came crashing down off the wall.  

I don't know where I'll go from here, but I appreciate so much the people who have been willing to talk things through with me and avoid passing judgment.    

Problem Number One

Mormon culture is a funny thing.  It's warm and fuzzy and full of love.  Until you question the church's doctrine and/or history.  Then?  Things can get a little shaky.  It's one of the things that has always been hard for me.  Having questions is part of life and I believe God intended for us to use our minds to solve problems and seek answers.  I realized recently that instead of truly seeking answers to my questions, I've always let fear of being judged get the best of me.  I took whatever was bothering me and "filed" it away, thinking I'd probably find an answer later on in life.  My problem at this point is that my "file" is too jam packed for me to function.  I can't just suppress my questions anymore.  I have to find some answers.  I can't move forward with my life until I organize my "file."  So far, it has been an extremely painful process.  I'm hoping that someone with smartz might read this and be able to help me.

There is a chance that this blog post will get me into some serious hot water with a few people, but it's a risk I'm willing to take.  Actually, I don't think many people read this anymore. So if you happen to stumble onto this, maybe don't tell anyone I know, mmm-kay?  That would be super.

So.  Joseph Smith.  Not your average Joe (I know, right?).  I've known that for a long time and it's always been fine with me.  After all, his job was to restore Christ's gospel to the earth, not to be perfect.  But when I looked a little more closely, I started wondering if God would actually choose someone like him to do such an important thing.  He wasn't just "not perfect."  In fact, he did several things that were downright criminal.  But still, that's neither here nor there.  What really bothered me was discovering the true nature of polygamy, including how and why he ended up practicing it.  Initially I was told that it was for the purpose of building God's kingdom and bringing more children into the world.  Fine.  Whatever.  But then how in the world do you explain the polyandry situation (marrying women who were already married to other living man)?  And did he really send men on missions and then marry their wives while they were gone without even telling them?  All the evidence points to YES. And why did he need to marry so many girls that were so young?  Again, I was told that "times were different" and "women married at much younger ages back then."  But that's actually not true.  The average age for girls to marry was 21-23.  I'm thinking the 14 year olds probably weren't quite ready to take on the wife role just yet.  Or the plural wife role for that matter.  

But then something dawned on me.  Something I'd never thought about before.  Why would God tell Joseph Smith to bring back the law of polygamy after Christ's atonement had wiped out the laws of the Old Testament (ie: animal sacrifice & polygamy)?  Isn't that like saying Christ's sacrifice wasn't enough?  Would God do that???  I don't think He would.  So that leaves us with the very real possibility that Joseph Smith made it all up, which is troubling to say the least.  I also found several pages of research suggesting that Joseph Smith had already been caught twice having extramarital affairs when he received his polygamy revelation (once by his wife Emma).  I don't know if this is true or not, but if it is, it would certainly be embarrassing for the Church.  Especially after the whole "we believe in being honest, true, CHASTE, benevolent..." thing.  Not to mention, “We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.”  Polygamy was illegal and obviously Joseph Smith knew that (hence the secret temple ceremonies).  Can I really believe that a prophet of God would put himself above the law and then deny it to avoid getting caught?  I mean, imperfect is one thing.  I'm imperfect.  You're imperfect.  I get that.  This is something else entirely.  I don't know what to make of it.

These are just a few of the many many things that are cluttering my "file" these days.  I'm trying so hard to sort it all out but every time I feel like I'm getting a grip on one thing, 10 more surface.  I feel suffocated and paranoid.  I want some answers so badly, but I can tell you right now, they are NOT going to come through scripture study and prayer.  I need some solid factual answers.  Not warm fuzzies.

Help?  Anyone???

An Unexpected Crisis

I've been thinking lately about religion.  I'm a Mormon.  Mormonism is as much a lifestyle as it is a religion.  It's the only lifestyle I've ever known or wanted to know.  A few months ago in an effort to increase my understanding about Mormon history, I started to do a little research (books, websites, people with smartz).  To say that I was surprised by what I found would be the understatement of the century.  Luckily, there were some apologetic websites setup by the church that had some answers to tide me over.  Not so luckily, those same websites had sections that addressed other questions I'd never thought to ask, which started the cycle over again.  Why was there SO much about Mormonism, the religion/lifestyle I've been 100% involved in my entire life, that I'd never heard before?  Could the things I was reading possibly be true?  I mean, anti-Mormon literature was one thing, but the things I found had actually come from the church's own historical records.  

I never thought this would happen to me.  I never thought I would be "that" person.  I thought I was converted for life.  A faith crisis was NOT in the plan for me.  But, you know, plans change I guess.  Indeed I am facing a SERIOUS faith crisis right now.  The things I've always counted on as anchors for my faith are not what I thought they were.  I spent 35 years talking and testifying about the things I "know" to be true.  Now?  I feel that many of them aren't true at all.  I've finally realized that faith, belief, hope and knowledge are very different things.  I'm trying to sort it all out.  It's scary and confusing, and somehow freeing all at the same time.  I hope that I will be able to piece things back together in a way that will allow me to re-discover my faith.  But I'm fairly sure that it wont be what it once was, and maybe that's okay. 

If You Can't Say Something Nice, I Might Punch You In the Throat

In three days, we'll have hit the two month mark in our T1 Diabetes journey.  Some things are easier and some things are harder.  As many of you know, Ryan travels a LOT for work.  But this weekend was the first time he's been gone since Tessa's diagnosis.  Normally, I don't mind the traveling.  In fact, there are many things that go much more smoothly when he's gone (no offense hun).  Unfortunately, managing Tessa's Diabetes at night is not one of them.  Ryan is a freaking CHAMP when it comes to night time diabetic care.  Me?  Not so much.  I don't handle those middle-of-the-night lows well.  Especially when I'm by myself.  There was one instance last night when I had my cell phone in one hand (911 already dialed), and my glucagon syringe in the other hand.  It's a good thing I never actually pressed send.  If the paramedics showed up at my house they most likely would have taken ME to the hospital, what with my crazy blood shot eyes and my hair that looked like I had just stuck my finger in an electrical socket.  This whole T1 Diabetes mess just seems more doable when Ryan is home.   I need someone there to reassure me that she's going to be okay.  Then I need someone to come back to bed with me to be sure I don't go into cardiac arrest.  What can I say, I'm a mom.  I might need to hire myself a husband to step in when he goes away from now on.  Any takers???   

The other thing that has been hard, surprisingly, is...people.  For the first few weeks we didn't really go anywhere.  We tested her blood sugar and injected her with insulin in the privacy of our own home.  But, you know, life had to go on.  I HAD to figure out how to do things.  Normal things.  Like go grocery shopping, go to the gym, and attend soccer games.  Suddenly I was faced with performing my diabetic duties with curious eyes looking over my shoulder.  Then came the first comment.

Now, I knew this would eventually happen.  I knew that at some point, somebody would be interested enough to say something or ask something or tell me a story about how their best friend's neighbor's cousin's mom lost her legs because of diabetes.  I hoped nobody would be brainless enough to say something like that, but alas, brainless-ness is more common than I thought.  I've heard more awful stories than I can even begin to count.  I've actually gotten used to hearing them.  Crazy how people don't seem to notice my other children's eyes growing wider and wider as they tell their morbid tales.  But what bothers me more, are the people who feel like they need to tell me what they think I did to cause my 2 year old to develop T1 Diabetes.  I know it's usually just a case of someone not knowing the difference between Type 1 Diabetes and Type 2 Diabetes.  But still, can we just not go there?  It's IMPOSSIBLE to cause someone (especially a 2 year old) to develop T1 Diabetes.  I've had people tell me that it's caused by not breast feeding long enough (um, 16 months was plenty long thankyouverymuch).  I've had people tell me that I must have given her dairy too soon (yeah, she STILL hasn't ever had cow's milk).  I've had people tell me that she probably ate too much sugar as a baby (I think she had her first piece of candy last Halloween - no kidding).  I know people mean well.  I get it.  I do.  What they don't understand is that I've gone through all of this in my head already.  Trust me.  I have already gone through every possible scenario that could reasonably place the blame on me.  Because that's what we do as parents.  We beat ourselves up over everything.  Even things that are out of our control.  I wish people would think that through before THEY blame me.  I've gotten good at smiling and nodding and saying, "that's an interesting theory."  But I'm afraid that one of these day's I'm going to lose my cool.  I'm not entirely sure what would happen if I did, but I apologize in advance if you are unlucky enough to witness it when I do.  Feel free to restrain me if necessary.  

All things considered, we're adjusting pretty well.  Tess actually handles it better than the rest of us do.  Kids are so resilient.  Sometimes I can't believe how unfazed she seems by the whole thing (I think unphased, but Webster's dictionary says unfazed).  I know she will have hard times and eventually she'll start to wonder why she has to have pokes and shots and other kids don't.  However, there's a weird kind of comfort that comes from knowing that she'll never remember what life was like before she developed T1 Diabetes.  I know it sounds sad.  Pathetic actually.  But it's the truth.

Lottie Awesome-ness

The dude who is training our doggy sent us this video of her.  She's marking and alerting to Tessa's ketone samples (in the tins).   Tess reminds us every day that "Lottie is at doggie school."   We CANT. FREAKING. WAIT. to get her back.  

And for the record, it's Lottie.  Not Dottie.  But apparently she responds to whatever you call her.  

   

And I Thought My Life Was Boring...

Hey, remember that one time when I wrote a blog post about how my life was so uneventful that I had nothing to blog about?  And remember how in that same post I went on to tell you that because of the uneventful nature of the 5 previous months, we had gone out and purchased an English Golden Retriever puppy?  I have read and re-read that post so many times over the past few weeks, and I still can't get over the irony of it. I've always hated the phrase, everything happens for a reason, and for the record, I don't actually believe it.  But sometimes, every once in a while, I think there's an element of truth to those words.

December 12, 2013 is a day that will be etched in my memory for the rest of my life.  In fact, even now, I have a hard time finding words to describe what happened.  Suffice it to say, that my entire life changed that day.  My 2 year old little girl Tessa (or Peanut Baby as I refer to her on this blog) was admitted to the hospital and diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.  My husband and I only had an hour or so to grieve before we had to pull our crap together and start learning the nuts and bolts of glucose testing, carb counting, drawing insulin, and giving injections.  Little did we know, that it was just the beginning.  The next 48 hours were jam packed with lesson after lesson about how to care for our new little diabetic.  We listened and took notes and tried our best to get a grip on the situation.  And in between all those things, we cried.  We were heartbroken for our little girl who would never have a "normal" life (they tell you that diabetics can live a normal life, but when you really think about it you realize it's not entirely possible).  But in all honesty, I was maybe even more heartbroken for myself and my "un-eventful" life that had just been thrown into a tailspin.  Hey, at least the level of excitement had picked up a bit.  Just goes to show, be careful what you wish for.

The experience of being in the hospital with my sick child is something I hope I never have to repeat.  Ever.  But I have to say, the doctors and nurses at Primary Children's Hospital are absolutely the best of the best.  And to top it all off, the doctor she ended up being assigned to just so happened to be the pediatrician who cared for me as a child (he has since gone into pediatric endocrinology and is one of the best specialists around).  The first thing he said to me when he walked into our room was, "you probably think your life is over, but I assure you it is not."  Very wise words indeed.  He's a keeper for sure.

giving Rufus a shot - he's a very good patient

the tray of life that sits atop my kitchen counter...in front of the toaster oven

Tessa was diagnosed almost exactly 4 weeks ago.  I'm pretty sure I cried every day for the first 2 weeks.  I cried every other day for about a week after that.  I can honestly say that I'm in a much better state of mind at this point.  I mean, I have my moments, but they are few and they are brief.  I realize that our lives will never be the same, but I also know that good things can come from this challenge we're suddenly faced with.  Actually, good things have come already.  More on that in a minute.  First I want to tell you about the symptoms of Type 1 Diabetes.  Not because I think I'm a smarty-pants, but because I wish I would have known the warning signs before we were sitting in the hospital with our baby being told that her blood sugar was over 500.  It would have saved her several weeks of suffering.  

When she was first diagnosed and I started trying to put the puzzle pieces together, my initial thought was that she had only been showing symptoms for a week or two.  But over time I've realized that she had actually been symptomatic for several months prior to her diagnosis.  Yes.  Months (yikes, I know).

*3 months prior to diagnosis - I noticed strange changes in her personality and behavior (whiny, clingy, tired though not lethargic, fearful of things she had never feared before, she also stopped picking up new words and even seemed to regress in her speaking ability).  At the time I chalked it up to her going through an evil phase or something, but in hindsight I can see that these changes began slowly and became more obvious over the months that followed.  I distinctly remember about a week before Halloween wondering if maybe these were the early symptoms of autism, and thinking that we should probably have her evaluated. 

*2 months prior to diagnosis - strange behaviors continued and she also started crying.  CONSTANTLY.  Not just regular toddler crying.  It was this weird type of crying where I knew something was wrong but I didn't want to take her to the doctor and say, "um, she cries a lot."  Hello.  She's 2!  She also started having suuuuuuuper wet diapers.  Not all the time but frequently enough that I noticed it.  

*1 month prior to diagnosis - all the stuff I mentioned above multiplied by 10.  She was unbearable.  I would go to sleep every night saying to Ryan, "I can't do this again tomorrow.  I just CAN'T do it."  And then???  She stopped sleeping through the night.  Just all of a sudden.  She would wake up crying several times every single night from then on.  I was worried I guess.  But still, nothing really seemed physically wrong.  So I just figured it was part of the "evil phase" she was going through.  She continued to have unusually wet diapers, but I also noticed that she seemed thirsty a lot.  Again, not all the time.  But every few days I was astounded at how much she could drink.  I just figured she was growing.  I also apparently have rocks in my head.

*2 weeks prior to diagnosis - Ryan and I had gone to California over Thanksgiving and left the kids home.  Because we are awesome parents.  The day before we got back my mom called and said that Tess had a weird rash on her torso that looked like giant polka-dots, to which I responded, "yeah, so (again with the awesome parent thing)."  My mom said that she didn't seem sick and didn't have a fever so I really wasn't all that concerned.  I figured it would go away on it's own (and it did eventually).  The morning after we got home, I got Tessa undressed to put her in the tub and I suddenly realized that she had lost a lot of weight since we left on our trip.  I mean, a LOT of weight.  Which was scary for a kid who really didn't have much weight to lose to begin with.  She was also peeing so much that I needed a wheelbarrow to get her diapers to the garbage can.  She was begging for drinks all day long still, and seemed unusually hungry.  I figured that she probably had some freaky virus that was just working it's way out of her system.  But at least she was eating like a bear.  Phew!  Certainly she was on the mend, right?  

*1 week prior to diagnosis - Strangely, for a few days her "symptoms" (I didn't know they were actually symptoms of anything) seemed to lessen.  I really thought she was fine.  Her rash had gone away and she never actually came down with anything else that would have pointed to a virus.  The only thing that stuck out to me was that she seemed very VERY tired.  When she wasn't eating (or crying), she was laying on the floor.  Strange for a 2 year old.

*3 days prior to diagnosis - Symptoms return, only now they seem exponentially worse than they did before.  We decide that if she doesn't seem better by the weekend, we'll take her in.

*day before diagnosis - I asked my little brother who's a 4th year medical student if any of this sounded serious.  We talked about a few possibilities (one of them being Diabetes), but decided that it didn't seem to fit, because really, she didn't necessarily seem sick, and kids with Diabetes are usually sick.  During our conversation he mentioned that when kids develop Diabetes and start to enter a state of Ketoacidosis (aka: what happens right before they slip into a diabetic coma), their breath will smell sweet.  I filed the info away but didn't think much of it.  She had an awful night that night.  She woke up SCREAMING for a drink of water at least 3 times.  I was absolutely stunned when she downed 3 full glasses each time she woke up.  Needless to say, she was peeing as much as she was drinking.  Duh.

*day of diagnosis (we didn't make it to the weekend) - After a long night we both decided that she needed to be checked out by the doctor.  Luckily they had an open appointment at 8:30.  I was still in my pajamas and apparently still in denial, so Ryan took her in without me.  As I was getting her ready to go I noticed something weird.  Her breath smelled like...candy.  I actually felt my heart stop beating for a split second.  I probably should have jumped in the car and gone with her to the doctor, but honestly, I think I was still clinging to the possibility that it wasn't anything serious.  Or maybe I was too scared to hear that it was.  I have tortured myself with guilt over the fact that I didn't go to that appointment with her.  I still can't explain my decision to not go.  But in the end, it might have been a blessing in disguise, because when our pediatrician called 30 minutes later to tell me that my baby had Type 1 Diabetes, I. Lost. It. Completely.  Ryan took her directly to Primary Children's Hospital.  I called my mom in a state of absolute panic knowing that she was the only one who could talk me off this ledge before I had to drive the 30 minutes to the hospital.  She delivered.  I pulled myself together and drove up to meet Ryan and Tessa.  I walked into the exam room and collapsed into Ryan's arms.  We had a good long cry.  We snuggled our sweet little girl knowing that she had no idea that her life was about to change dramatically.  We also knew that she would never remember life prior to her diagnosis.  It was sobering to say the least.  But then, it was time to get down to business.  

So.  Let me consolidate for you.  The symptoms of Type 1 Diabetes are:

-increased thirst

-increased urination 

-tiredness or lethargy

-increased appetite

-unexplained sudden weight loss

-behavior changes

-skin disturbances

-sweet smelling breath

Does this mean that if your kid starts to misbehave he probably has diabetes?  No.  Does it mean that if he seems tired for a few days he probably has diabetes?  No.  Does it mean that if he loses weight he probably has diabetes?  Nope.  Most kids have a very small chance of developing this disease and family history can tell you if your risk is significantly higher (there does seem to be a genetic component).  But even then, the chance is still small.  I'm only listing these symptoms here because I feel that parents should be aware.  Not obsessive.  Just aware.  I wish I had known more about the symptoms of Type 1 Diabetes. 

Okay.  So.  The dog that I didn't want to get last fall.  Turns out I'm insanely grateful that I was talked into it.  Why?  Well, for starters, she's AWESOME.  She chews the baseboards off my walls like nothing you've ever seen, but I can look past that.  In fact, as much as I'm not into the whole everything happens for a reason thing, I have to tell you that she definitely happened for a reason.  We were led to her in a way that I can't describe.  I knew from the moment I saw her that she was meant to be ours.  That feeling has never left me.  From day one, Ryan and I both agreed that there was more to our sudden urge to get a puppy than we could reasonably explain.  And now we know why.

Shortly after Tessa's diagnosis we learned about a fairly new tool that is being used to help people manage Type 1 Diabetes.  It's become especially useful for parents with a young child that's diagnosed with the disease.  This tool is called a Diabetic Alert Dog.  They are certified service dogs that are legally allowed to go ANYWHERE humans can go (planes, schools, grocery stores, restaurants).  They can detect significant changes in a diabetic human's blood glucose level.  They are trained to alert the person when they detect these changes.  That would be HUGE for people with diabetic babies or toddlers. Because not only can they not feel when their blood sugar goes too high or too low, they couldn't tell anyone if if they could feel it.  Tessa has had trouble with highs and lows (most diabetic toddlers do) and it's hard for us to recognize.  Often times we don't catch lows until she's literally seconds from passing out.  It's just really hard to detect fluctuations in little kids.  I spend most of my day in fear of her passing out or seizing while I'm not paying attention.  And night time?  Oh my heavens.  You can probably imagine what's it's like.  We spend every night on edge.  We know that it would only take minutes for her glucose levels to plummet.  That fear is crippling.  We take turns getting up to check her levels all night long.  You can see why a Diabetic Alert Dog is so appealing to us.    

Now, typically these dogs run about $15,000-$20,000, and no, insurance will not pay for one.  Not to mention that for every 10 people who apply to receive one of these amazing dogs, only 1 dog will be placed.  In other words, not gonna happen.  But there were a few things that got us thinking.  Things like the fact that Golden Retrievers are usually the best for the job.  Hey!  We have one of those.  And it's good to begin their training around 6 months.  Wait a minute, our puppy is 6 months!  But there are only a small handful of accredited organizations who can train Diabetic Alert Dogs throughout the country.  Crap!  Strangely, one of those organizations happens to be in Utah.  Holy smokes!  We live in Utah!  You can see where this is going, right?  We sent our beloved Lottie away for the next 2 months to be trained to be a Diabetic Alert Dog.  She left on Tuesday.  Our house feels empty and quiet.  And while my baseboards will most likely enjoy the break, we miss her so much it hurts.  2 months is going to be a long time.  But with any luck, when she gets back, we will have an invaluable tool that will help us keep our daughter safe.  She is going to be amazing.  I knew from the start that there was going to be something big in her future.  She's just...one of those dogs.

As crazy and unpredictable as life can get, sometimes things really do happen for a reason.  I don't know where this blog is going, but I do know that I finally have something worthwhile to blog about now.  Silver linings.