Problem Number One

Mormon culture is a funny thing.  It's warm and fuzzy and full of love.  Until you question the church's doctrine and/or history.  Then?  Things can get a little shaky.  It's one of the things that has always been hard for me.  Having questions is part of life and I believe God intended for us to use our minds to solve problems and seek answers.  I realized recently that instead of truly seeking answers to my questions, I've always let fear of being judged get the best of me.  I took whatever was bothering me and "filed" it away, thinking I'd probably find an answer later on in life.  My problem at this point is that my "file" is too jam packed for me to function.  I can't just suppress my questions anymore.  I have to find some answers.  I can't move forward with my life until I organize my "file."  So far, it has been an extremely painful process.  I'm hoping that someone with smartz might read this and be able to help me.

There is a chance that this blog post will get me into some serious hot water with a few people, but it's a risk I'm willing to take.  Actually, I don't think many people read this anymore. So if you happen to stumble onto this, maybe don't tell anyone I know, mmm-kay?  That would be super.

So.  Joseph Smith.  Not your average Joe (I know, right?).  I've known that for a long time and it's always been fine with me.  After all, his job was to restore Christ's gospel to the earth, not to be perfect.  But when I looked a little more closely, I started wondering if God would actually choose someone like him to do such an important thing.  He wasn't just "not perfect."  In fact, he did several things that were downright criminal.  But still, that's neither here nor there.  What really bothered me was discovering the true nature of polygamy, including how and why he ended up practicing it.  Initially I was told that it was for the purpose of building God's kingdom and bringing more children into the world.  Fine.  Whatever.  But then how in the world do you explain the polyandry situation (marrying women who were already married to other living man)?  And did he really send men on missions and then marry their wives while they were gone without even telling them?  All the evidence points to YES. And why did he need to marry so many girls that were so young?  Again, I was told that "times were different" and "women married at much younger ages back then."  But that's actually not true.  The average age for girls to marry was 21-23.  I'm thinking the 14 year olds probably weren't quite ready to take on the wife role just yet.  Or the plural wife role for that matter.  

But then something dawned on me.  Something I'd never thought about before.  Why would God tell Joseph Smith to bring back the law of polygamy after Christ's atonement had wiped out the laws of the Old Testament (ie: animal sacrifice & polygamy)?  Isn't that like saying Christ's sacrifice wasn't enough?  Would God do that???  I don't think He would.  So that leaves us with the very real possibility that Joseph Smith made it all up, which is troubling to say the least.  I also found several pages of research suggesting that Joseph Smith had already been caught twice having extramarital affairs when he received his polygamy revelation (once by his wife Emma).  I don't know if this is true or not, but if it is, it would certainly be embarrassing for the Church.  Especially after the whole "we believe in being honest, true, CHASTE, benevolent..." thing.  Not to mention, “We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.”  Polygamy was illegal and obviously Joseph Smith knew that (hence the secret temple ceremonies).  Can I really believe that a prophet of God would put himself above the law and then deny it to avoid getting caught?  I mean, imperfect is one thing.  I'm imperfect.  You're imperfect.  I get that.  This is something else entirely.  I don't know what to make of it.

These are just a few of the many many things that are cluttering my "file" these days.  I'm trying so hard to sort it all out but every time I feel like I'm getting a grip on one thing, 10 more surface.  I feel suffocated and paranoid.  I want some answers so badly, but I can tell you right now, they are NOT going to come through scripture study and prayer.  I need some solid factual answers.  Not warm fuzzies.

Help?  Anyone???