An Unexpected Crisis

I've been thinking lately about religion.  I'm a Mormon.  Mormonism is as much a lifestyle as it is a religion.  It's the only lifestyle I've ever known or wanted to know.  A few months ago in an effort to increase my understanding about Mormon history, I started to do a little research (books, websites, people with smartz).  To say that I was surprised by what I found would be the understatement of the century.  Luckily, there were some apologetic websites setup by the church that had some answers to tide me over.  Not so luckily, those same websites had sections that addressed other questions I'd never thought to ask, which started the cycle over again.  Why was there SO much about Mormonism, the religion/lifestyle I've been 100% involved in my entire life, that I'd never heard before?  Could the things I was reading possibly be true?  I mean, anti-Mormon literature was one thing, but the things I found had actually come from the church's own historical records.  

I never thought this would happen to me.  I never thought I would be "that" person.  I thought I was converted for life.  A faith crisis was NOT in the plan for me.  But, you know, plans change I guess.  Indeed I am facing a SERIOUS faith crisis right now.  The things I've always counted on as anchors for my faith are not what I thought they were.  I spent 35 years talking and testifying about the things I "know" to be true.  Now?  I feel that many of them aren't true at all.  I've finally realized that faith, belief, hope and knowledge are very different things.  I'm trying to sort it all out.  It's scary and confusing, and somehow freeing all at the same time.  I hope that I will be able to piece things back together in a way that will allow me to re-discover my faith.  But I'm fairly sure that it wont be what it once was, and maybe that's okay.