How Do You Know?
Why the sudden return to blogging? I have no idea. Maybe it's because I now spend vast amounts of brain power writing about cancer, which we all know is utterly fulfilling. I think I just need a place to throw out all the other thoughts that keep me up at night, however unappealing they may be (see last weeks post on a song that was sung at the Academy Awards. My mom was way proud of me for that one). It's actually kind of liberating to write on a blog that only has 3 followers. Seriously. You should try it sometime.
Today's topic is a little less artificial superficial than the last one. But it's something that I JUST CAN'T STOP thinking about. And here it is. How do you know when you're done, you know, having kids? I mean, I've spent the last year or so thinking I was done. SO done. Because more often than not, it's a miracle when I make it an entire day without totally losing my crap. Not because my kids are so horribly behaved or anything (with the exception of Peanut Baby, who regularly tempts me to hang her upside down by her pinky toe for extended periods of time). It's more because I'm so overwhelmed with all the stuff they have going on. We are in the car every day from the moment school gets out until 9:45 pm. Okay, I know what you're thinking. Helloooo! Don't have them participate in so many activities! Problem solved. But it doesn't really work like that for us. Not to mention that if they weren't doing so many extracurriculars, they'd be running around the house like wild banchee's. Believe me. We're a psychotherapist's dream family. Whichever chromosome is responsible for ADD has like, quadrupled itself in our kids. Which leads me to my next issue. There's not a chance in Hell that we'd suddenly be able to produce a calm child. We're 0 for 4, so it's not like we'd be holding our breath or anything. But I seriously don't know if I could handle it. Then again, I remember thinking that before we had our 2nd child. And then again before we had our 3rd child. And AGAIN before our 4th! So, maybe it's just me. Which leads me to another issue. My body sucks at being pregnant. Last time, if you recall, it decided at 34 weeks that being pregnant pretty much blew. I know I'd spend 9 months totally stressed about the possibility of my pancreas and uterus backing out of the deal again and winding up with another itty bitty. I definitely prefer my babies to be larger than dwarf hamsters.
But you guys, I can't get over the idea of it really being...over. We've done the whole pray and search for an answer thing. And not that I don't believe it's a good route to take, but so far my answer has been, "you decide". And, you know, He's right. We've done a decent job of procreating, so I wouldn't feel guilty or anything if we opted to bow out this time. We have multiplied and replen-i-shed. I think I just want another one. But here's my question. Does that nagging feeling ever go away? Do you ever really feel complete? Is there a point where you can let go and not be terrified that you'll regret that decision some day? Come on internetz (all 3 of you)! Give me something to work with!
Ok Ann, so here's the deal. I'm done. DONE!!! I feel done. I feel "complete." Once in a while I look at Pierce and realize this is the last time I'll get to see all of those amazing things you witness while raising a child and I feel....sad. But not sad enough to actually do it again. I wasn't made to have a lot of kids. 3 was totally stretching it. I turn into that mean, scary mom with 3, I could become a total monster with 4. If God came down himself and told me that my next baby would be just like Pierce, or better, I'd do it. I'm just not willing to risk having another Gwen! Ha!! Now, this is just me. You? You, are so much better than me. I would never spend that much time in a car with my kids. At least at home I can hide and lock myself in the bathroom for a minute. I don't know, if you're feeling it, maybe you should do it. AND your kids are incredibly cute...maybe not calm (although I have not witness that), but cute! Girls night? We can talk about our dads and their stupid sickly bodies.
ReplyDeleteSame thoughts at this house. I got lucky getting any kids at all and now I have a house full of crazies. I was sure when I was pregnant with Stella that this was it- I was blessed one more time, enjoy it because it is the last one. I don't know that my body can do it again, although it handles pregnancy pretty well... but we have our papers in for adoption (did that before Stella... didn't know she was possible) and I just thought that if they called with a baby I'd say, "oh, thanks, but we got one." But would I?? I really like babies. Really. And Stella is a dream, but then they grow up and I'm pretty freaked out about that part. I mean, if I grow teenagers like me I'm totally screwed. And Denten is more open to another than I'd ever imagined he's be, so he's no help at all. Maybe someday we'll be hit with that "done" feeling Kelle has... til then, maybe accidentally forget the protection during sex and see what happens??!
ReplyDeleteSeriously, if I could just get a definite yes or no life would be a lot simpler...the whole "you decide" not so helpful. I feel the same way, can't get the thought out of my head and I'm not sure if it's inspiration or my OCD working overtime. I mean, 5! That's A LOT! The fact that I even consider adding another clown to this circus might just be an answer, I'm obviously certifiable.
ReplyDeleteLook, #4!
ReplyDeleteI might have told you this before, but once I asked my mom, "How did you know when you were done having kids?" And she said, "You know you're done when you've had one too many!"
Yikes.
(Luckily I was second to last, so I know that if she had ended with me, life for all of us would have been perfect)
I think some people "know" when they are done, some people are forced to be done and some (of us) just have to decide. I know that I could have more. I know I could handle it. I know that life will still go on and be happy(-ish). I don't think everyone KNOWS and has that completed feeling. Great for some people, doesn't mean it is that way for all of us.
I don't think I will regret having four kids because it is a great size and a full life. I do think I would have regretted three. But that is my case. At some point, I just have to be like, "Cool. This works." and spend the rest of my energies lapping it up and letting go.
You know?
yes, my love...this is a tricky, sticky situation. and i always go back to this thought: "Quantity VERSES Quality". Where do you stand in this balancing act? If you feel you could still be a "quality" mom with one more kid,--who is to stop you? But if you feel like you are maxed out, your well is dry, and you have little left to give, then you should probably trust your instincts, and give the kiddos you have what you can offer them. My mom always says that when we are her age, our greatest joy will be our kids and our families--and everything else we've accomplished will seem insignificant in comparison. i hope she's right. however, if we push our limits and expect more of ourselves than we can reasonably offer, i doubt those remembrances will be so sweet. so once again, balancing act. quantity verses quality.
ReplyDeleteAre you done taking answers? At 6, you've now doubled your expectations. I don't think that I have anything new to add to what has already been said. Mostly, whenever I consider the "are we done" question, I follow it up with another question: Can I be the mother I want to be to all of these kids plus one more? Occasionally the answer to that question changes, but for the most past it stays the same.
ReplyDeleteI love you guys. Really. You've all made some points that I've never thought of before. I think I'm done-skee. Now I just need to stop feeling guilty over it.
ReplyDelete