I Sit, Therefore I Am

That's mah baybee?  Sometimes I smooch those cheeks so hard it leaves a mark.  I mean really, how can there be war and sadness and civil unrest when you have one of these?  HOW???


4 weeks have passed since I birthed this little peanut baby*.  And while 4 weeks doesn't sound like a long time, I assure you it's more than enough time for your couch to be molded into the EXACT shape of your ass.  Permanently.  I'm not saying that as a lactating mother I shouldn't have a custom designed couch cushion that only I can fully appreciate.  I'm just starting to think that it might be time to give the ol' boy a break and start working on this bagel loaf that has become my abdomen.

Think doughier.  With stretch marks. 

So I ordered P90X.  

Have you ever done these DVD's?  And lived to tell about it?  

LIAR!

These workouts are pure evil.  Today?  I made it exactly 1/3 of the way through the plyometrics DVD before I collapsed into a crying sweaty heap of HALP MEEEE!  HAAAAAALP!  

Look at me!  Am speshul and awesum and way too small to scrape my momz off the floor.

Tomorrow is the "chest, arms, and back" DVD.  Good thing peanut baby only weighs 5-ish lbs.

And in completely unrelated news, Ryan* took Tootsie* to her brother's* scouting banquet last night while I stayed home to (surprise surprise) watch trash TV and snuggle with Tess (how long can I use that as a reason to stay home?).  In an effort to seem like an interested parent, I sent this text message to Ryan:

Me:  Hiya.  How goes it?  Guess what?  Our baby is so totally nom-a-licious I can't even stand it!

Ry:  Speaking of nom, Tootsie and I are SO going to get something to eat after this thing is over.  This food is the nast.

Me: Really?  What is it?

Ry:  Sloppy joes, jello with...stuff in it, and weird ass potatoes.  No rolls.  No fruit.  Nuthin.

Me:  Mmmm.  I love ass potatoes.

silence -------------------------------------------

Me:  Hey, did you get my joke?

Ry:  Dude, I'm sitting by the Bishop.  Do you mind?

Me:  Sorry.  Am dumb ass.

--------------no response

Maybe it's better if I keep finding reasons to stay home.  

*I shall continue to refer to Tootsie as "Tootsie" on this blog until further notice.  Because I do indeed call her Tootsie.  No really.  I do.

*Peanut baby = Tessa    She's too cute for one of my ridiculous nicknames and therefore shall be known as Tessa, Tess, or Peanut baby.  Until she weighs 8-ish lbs.  So like, next year sometime.

*My husband's name is Ryan.  I call him...Ryan.  

*The Shpanky Brothers?  I'm torn.  I only call them by their nicknames when they've irked the crap out of me.  Which is more often than not.