How Do You Know?

Why the sudden return to blogging?  I have no idea.  Maybe it's because I now spend vast amounts of brain power writing about cancer, which we all know is utterly fulfilling.  I think I just need a place to throw out all the other thoughts that keep me up at night, however unappealing they may be (see last weeks post on a song that was sung at the Academy Awards.  My mom was way proud of me for that one).  It's actually kind of liberating to write on a blog that only has 3 followers.  Seriously.  You should try it sometime.

Today's topic is a little less artificial superficial than the last one.  But it's something that I JUST CAN'T STOP thinking about.  And here it is.  How do you know when you're done, you know, having kids?  I mean, I've spent the last year or so thinking I was done.  SO done.  Because more often than not, it's a miracle when I make it an entire day without totally losing my crap.  Not because my kids are so horribly behaved or anything (with the exception of Peanut Baby, who regularly tempts me to hang her upside down by her pinky toe for extended periods of time).  It's more because I'm so overwhelmed with all the stuff they have going on.  We are in the car every day from the moment school gets out until 9:45 pm.  Okay, I know what you're thinking.  Helloooo!  Don't have them participate in so many activities!  Problem solved.  But it doesn't really work like that for us.  Not to mention that if they weren't doing so many extracurriculars, they'd be running around the house like wild banchee's.  Believe me.  We're a psychotherapist's dream family.  Whichever chromosome is responsible for ADD has like, quadrupled itself in our kids.  Which leads me to my next issue.  There's not a chance in Hell that we'd suddenly be able to produce a calm child.  We're 0 for 4, so it's not like we'd be holding our breath or anything.  But I seriously don't know if I could handle it.  Then again, I remember thinking that before we had our 2nd child.  And then again before we had our 3rd child.  And AGAIN before our 4th!  So, maybe it's just me.  Which leads me to another issue.  My body sucks at being pregnant.  Last time, if you recall, it decided at 34 weeks that being pregnant pretty much blew.  I know I'd spend 9 months totally stressed about the possibility of my pancreas and uterus backing out of the deal again and winding up with another itty bitty.  I definitely prefer my babies to be larger than dwarf hamsters.

But you guys, I can't get over the idea of it really being...over.  We've done the whole pray and search for an answer thing.  And not that I don't believe it's a good route to take, but so far my answer has been, "you decide".  And, you know, He's right.  We've done a decent job of procreating, so I wouldn't feel guilty or anything if we opted to bow out this time.  We have multiplied and replen-i-shed.  I think I just want another one.  But here's my question.  Does that nagging feeling ever go away?  Do you ever really feel complete?  Is there a point where you can let go and not be terrified that you'll regret that decision some day?  Come on internetz (all 3 of you)!  Give me something to work with!